I can’t tell you how much I miss you. No, I’m still not over it.
Maybe I am jealous. This world has only darkened in the decades since you’ve left us. It’s an awful place, full of hatred, anxiety, sorrow, uncertainty and death. It’s unredeemable in my eyes. I guess it’s a good thing that mine are not the eyes to have the final judgment on it.
Remember when I was a young child, I made you promise me that you would never die? Then you died. I know it wasn’t your fault. But I wanted to die with you. I still do. I don’t like it here Grandma. It’s such a lonely world…
I loved you with all of my little kid heart. Then I loved you with all my teenage heart. And I want to thank you.
Thanks for loving me so much. It meant the world to me. More than the world, in fact. There is a gaping hole in my heart that used to be filled up by your affection. I try to remind myself that this void used to be you. So when it seems too big to cope with, I try to remember that your love was that big.
So thank you. Because of you I know that this world is capable of supporting love. It is capable of selflessness and deep compassion. Because of you I can recognize Grace.
But why does God see fit to take the lights of Grace from our world so soon? I know that you know all the answers now. And I imagine that you probably want to put a soft hand on my shoulder and explain it to me. But I guess that’s not permissible.
I want you to know that I still think about you every day. Did you know that I wrote and recorded two songs for you? One was called “Annabel” and the other “Wasting Away”. In fact, my friend Jimmy recorded a version of Wasting Away too.
I’m sorry Grandma… I didn’t turn out like I should have. I’m ashamed of myself quite often. I hope you can forgive me. I know you would never say it, but I have a lot of disappointment in myself. I wanted you to be proud of me not because you were supposed to be, but because I earned it. But I haven’t earned it.
Grandma, I’m scared. I hope I make it to heaven. I hope I’ll get to see you again. I do miss you so much and I hate it here. So no matter what happens, please ask God to give me some of your Grace back.